if i can run in heels then i can drive
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
