Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
