I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
