I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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