im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i would one night stand the shit outta him
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Randomize
