Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
