we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
