my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
