seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
