My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
did you just send me my own nude
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Randomize
