I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
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