life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
