dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
