Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
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This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
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New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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