I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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