you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Randomize
