morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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