Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
