Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
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