How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
