Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
sick fucks of a feather flock together
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
