3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
