Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
