never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
