i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
