in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
