Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
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All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
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Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
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