but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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