He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
