Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Randomize
