sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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