I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Randomize
