This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
There's always time for handjobs
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize