the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
