Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Randomize
