he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
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