She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
