I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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