I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
