I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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