Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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