i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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