So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
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You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
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I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.