dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
When did angry sex become our thing?
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.