i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
