Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
