just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Randomize
