that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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