I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
