No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
