dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
