apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
