I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
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