Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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