when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I CAN MOONWALK!
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
